A USPSA Primer
 
It’s easy to understand!
 
Simply place your holster and pouches no more than two inches away, at their closest point, from the outer surface of your belt and no further ahead than a bisecting plane through your Iliac Crest.  Shoot the course of fire gathering points and penalties which are then aggregated and divided by your time to the thousandth of a second which earns you a proportional share of the overall stage points depending on how your score compares to the person who, on that stage, happened to have the highest number when everyone’s points were aggregated and divided by their individual times.  Once all stages are shot proportional stages points are added to determine match points, at which point winners and losers are determined.
 
Targets
 
The Metric target got its name because it is used in the US, where the metric system was invented and fully embraced.  It is notorious for its hyper-realistic anatomical shape, which features a small box on top of a big box.  It’s basically like shooting an image of Mother Theresa in the face and terrifies sponsors who otherwise would love to tap the giant market of competitive shooters.  Matches that use this target don’t give a damn about political correctness, and recognize that the small box on top of the big box is what separates action shooters from fat, balding suspenders wearing bullseye shooters.
 
The Classic target got its name because it is not the metric target, and that is definitely Classic!  It’s a bizarre shape that looks nothing like any mammal PETA is concerned you will shoot at but if you stare at it long enough you will see a dolphin.  Matches that use this target typically have spectator tickets available on TicketMaster and are featured either on Pay Per View or commercial free network TV courtesy of Coke.
 
Poppers got their name because they do not pop in any way.  Instead if you shoot them, they may fall down which scores points, or they don’t which scores derision as you either shouldn’t complain because you don’t shoot major or you made the squad wait for a Super Senior to come from the next county over to “calibrate” the target which means the bolt came loose and your squad should have checked before you shot and you all suck.
 
We’re all Winners!
 
“If you’re not first you’re last” is NOT the motto of USPSA.  Let’s break down the quite large winners’ (not a typo!) circle.
 
High Overall
 
This is the stat everyone looks at first but pretend they do not.  You need to remember two things:  1)  equipment doesn’t matter and 2) if the person who is HOA is in a different division it is because of equipment.  If in a multi-division match the HOA is from Open division, this proves open shooters only care about HOA and validates the need for rifles in the match even though rifle shooters claim rifles probably won’t beat open shooters.
 
Match/Division Champ
 
This is the person who wins the match if it is a single division, or a division if a multi-division match.
 
Real Champ
 
This is the person who most certainly would have won the match or division except for a force majeure event, such as a crappy gun that wouldn’t run or dropping a magazine.
 
Class Champ
 
Just because you aren’t HOA, Match/Division or even a real champ doesn’t mean you didn’t win.  You can also be a champ with a real and true victory if you beat the other people who happened to show up in your class, which are shooters who are grouped with you in one of these categories:
 
U = unclassified and dangerous
D = terrible
C = terrible
B = someone who has a job
A = someone who has a job but neglects family
M = someone who has a job but no family and is OCD
Paper GM = batshit crazy, but can’t win matches. 
GM = batshit crazy
 
Category Champ
 
Just because you aren’t HOA, Match/Division, Real Champ, or one of 126 Class champs doesn’t mean you didn’t win.  You can be a champ with a real and true victory if you are part of a category.
 
Lady = gender based on government ID or bathroom preference for that day.
Junior = pampered child who shows up for match but doesn’t clean gun or reload or anything really but who is entitled to match discount
Senior = geezer over 55; remembers when everything was Major!
Super Senior = ancient geezer over 65; does not have to paste or respond to range commands in less than seven seconds.
Military = active duty military but can be any side so watch out for North Koreans and Iranians.  Remember how pissed off the Republican Guards got in ’91 when they were bumped to Open and had spent all that money on matching shirts saying, “Sodamn Insane Camel Smoking Posse Sponsored by Allah Ak-Bar and Grille”
Law = police with arrest powers.  ARREST POWERS.   They shoot however they want.  Remember that RO who DQ’ed a Homeland Security guy for finger in the trigger guard during reload?  I don’t either but hopefully someday he’ll make bail.
 
Equipment Choice
 
“Equipment doesn’t matter” is what poor people think and “this $65 mag holder with swiveling attachment point will help my reload” is what people who suck think. 
 
The truth is a reliable gun that you work with is what matters.  The fun is that you can get this from $500 to $5,000 and no matter what choice you make your fellow shooters are always there to tell you that you chose wrong.
 
Choose equipment to fit the division or the division to fit the equipment.  That is linear Western style thinking and it has its adherents.  Choose one; the important thing is that when you choose a division you achieve certainty that it is the “best” division and the other divisions are dumb.  Or, be a leader and have a division created that suits you – you do you!!
 
Training
 
Back to equipment doesn’t matter.  Of course it does, but practice matters more.  Shooting is expensive though.  How to square the circle?
 
If you are poor and you suck you are starting from behind.  The solution here is to just practice.  How to do that if you are poor?  Simple, purchase a series of books that come in different sizes and colors that explain to you to point your empty gun toward objects in your house (pre-existing or made to look like a target) and pretend to shoot.  It’s really much more complicated than that – you need the books.  Every.  Single.  One.  If you can’t read there is a video that explains how to pretend to shoot.
 
If you are rich and you suck you are still behind.  The solution here is to practice.  How to do this if you are rich?   Simple, attend a live class where you are told to go home and point your empty gun towards objects in your house and pretend to shoot.   Get the video that explains the same, and every single book that also explains the same. 
 
Also, shoot for real.  Order ammo in bulk or purchase an automated 1050 as your first press.
 
Mostly, don’t be discouraged!  You may come in 89th out of 91 people in your first match but hang in there and months and thousands of dollars later you will be 82nd or even 81st!  Rome wasn’t built in a day they tell people who have never built anything and who are drooling stupid – and you won’t be a champ in a day either.  It takes 10,000 hours to be a real champ and there are only 24 hours in a day so that’s several days.  Stop reading and start pointing your gun at your bedroom wall!  Are you ready?  Standby!

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